


Memories

by YvonneSilver



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Civil War (Marvel), Gen, I have so many feelings about Bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 00:37:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6777307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YvonneSilver/pseuds/YvonneSilver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn't know how much damage they've done to his brain, how much had been lost forever. He had worked tirelessly to fill the gaps in his knowledge, enough that he could almost bluff his way through. But he's worried that it's not who he really is any more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories

Two years. He had been trying for more than two years to find a remnant of his memories. A hint of a shadow of an inkling of who he used to be. He had known the man on the bridge (Steve Rogers, aka Captain America, the newspapers had told him the next day), and if he'd known that much there had to be more that hadn't been erased. 

He had read all the books and pamphlets and papers he'd been able to get his hands on. He combed through old files and picture albums and newspapers. He had visited museums and exhibitions. He had spoken to historians to get a feel for the era he had supposedly grown up in. He had spoken war veterans to understand what he had gone through during the war. (He had stood outside Peggy's nursing home once. He hadn't dared to go in.)

It hadn't been easy either, finding increasingly unlikely sources while constantly looking over his shoulder for Hydra's men or Shield's agents. Luckily blending in seemed to come naturally to him, discretion a second nature programmed over his first naturaly cautious one.

 

And so he knew. He knew the names of all the people in the 107th Infantry Regiment and exactly which locations they'd been stationed. He knew the faces of the Howling Commando's and where and when they died. He knew Steve had grown up with his mother Sarah in a dirtpoor neighborhood. He knew Bucky had grown up with three siblings and had been a boxing champion.

But he didn't remember it. No matter how many insignificant details he looked up about living in the early 20th century, none of them sparked a memory. He didn't remember if his household had had one of the first televisions. He didn't remember if Steve's mother had ever had to make clothing out of flour sacks. He didn't remember if he had ever gone Swing dancing.

 

No matter how many facts about Bucky Barnes he'd looked up, he couldn't remember how to feel them. Because these are just things he knows. These are not the things he remembers.

They've filled his brain with other things. Tactics, foreign languages, terrain maps. Command codes. Mission reports.

 

 

"Do you even remember them?" Tony screams at him, and it hits him harder than any of the punches.

“I remember all of them."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so worried. I'm so worried that he doesn't actually remember who he once was.  
> In CW, when Steve asks Bucky if it's really him, he answers with two mundane facts, and Steve pretends that that's proof enough for Sam's sake ("Your mom's name was Sarah. You wore newspaper in your shoes." "Couldn't find that in a museum").  
> Later, on the plane, Steve asks if he remembers the time they hitched a ride in an ice truck. "We'd spent our busfares on hotdogs." "You spent our last three dollars trying to win that red teddybear." Steve corrects. They say nothing more about it.
> 
> He's been frozen and tortured and brainwashed for decades. How much information can a brain store? What if there's nothing left to remember?


End file.
